| Can't sleep |
[Aug. 1st, 2005|03:57 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  groggy | ] |
So it's about 4 a.m. right now and I can't sleep. My body just woke up and didn't feel like letting me sleep. In times like these your mind begins to wonder in your half awake state. It's sometimes hard to believe that there are 6 billion people out there in the world. Is there really? I mean 6 billion individual lives who go to bed everynight, eat everyday, and wake up in the mornings? Well, at least for those who are lucky enough to eat each and everyday. I think of my life and how there are so many things obstacles and experiences I go through, and then I think, are there 6 billion others who are experiencing this much hassle/joy which ever, too? That's crazy. So, what makes each of us unique or special? What makes that one speck so different than the others that it can be called special? I think if more than half the world population lives below average standards of living than my problems should seem mediocure and insignificant to theirs. I find comfort in this, oddly enough. I feel as if they can live a full life with more burdens and blocks in their way, than so can I. Right now with things being the way they are, I sometimes want to be swallowed up in that large number and just be forgotten in the crowd. Forget worrying, live life as though nothing mattered except being happy and free. But can we really do that? In a society where the only things that matter are materialistic, how can anyone just let go of all their worries and just LIVE? After watching The Island I just want to go out and run, run far away from worries and just find a place where I can be free to do as I want and experience all that life has to offer. But we can't do that without money and if we can't do that is we want to make money, support ourselves and get ahead of the game, now can we? It's ironic that way. People work all their lives to make a good living and support their families but by the time they get to enjoy that wealth they're in their 40s. If only living life could be free than that would help alot or if you came from a wealthy family, now that would be awesome. You can do anything you want, spend money and still come back to more of it and not worry about making alot of it. I'd like to be that unique person of the 6 billion out there. Anyhow, I'm off. Perhaps I will try to go back to sleep. |
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| Am I going the right way? |
[Apr. 14th, 2005|05:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Howie Day - Collide | ] |
It's been quite sometime since I've written in this thing. But that's okay, no one really reads what I write. I only write in it as a replacement for my diary. "Dear Diary, today Johnny wore a red sweater and that made him look so cute!!"...haha, just kidding! Second year is almost over, wow! Still looking for a coop job, coop blows by the way. Jobs and I haven't really been good friends. We just don't seem to get along, it doesn't like me no matter what I do. Albeit, I shall persist in building our relationship, persistence is a virtue; persistence is also a pain in the friggin ass. It's annoying how when things are going rough your mind decides to make things worse by going into "what if" mode. What the hell?! Don't do that! It makes things worse. So, I can't find a coop job and then my mind starts to think, "well, should even be in coop? Or better yet, should you even be in commerce? Maybe you should've went to another school and chosen another major!" What my mind needs to learn is how to shut up. A snowball effect starts and before long, I'm in bed totally depressed and wondering what the hell I am doing with my life.
Have you ever wondered if somewhere along the line, you made the wrong choice? That during some crucial moment in your life you took the left turn and not the right? And if so, what about the belief that what happens is meant to happen? Is there some type of indication that you've made that wrong turn? So many questions, and yet no one will give me a damn answer! Answer me damnit! I know there someone out there who knows, spill the beans! Is there a way to go back; fix mistakes and live your life over? That's what I want; to be able to go back to when I was 13 and the world was this big mystery full of hopes and wonder, when we weren't jaded by it all, and the smell of innocence and dreams were still in the air. I'm 20 now, and the world doesn't seem like a wonderful, mysterious place, it's a scary place that I don't want to be part of yet, I'm not ready; not yet. (Can someone tell me if I'm going in the right direction, for the love of god!!!) |
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| Essence of the Moment |
[Sep. 8th, 2004|07:52 pm] |
It's packing time again. It's weird packing and getting ready to leave home all over again. Another year is about to begin, and another year of cramming and constant working. The long awaited summer has come and past, and what have I accomplished? I don't quite know. I look back upon fond memories of endless hours wondering around the mega city of Toronto, eating out at numerous restaurants, and doing alot of random-stupid things. But being on the verve of turning 20, shouldn't I have done something more beneficial with my summer? Shouldn't I have been working to add to our economy, take summer courses or volunteer to better our world? Being close to turning 20, I feel as if when I turn 20 that I should already be a well accomplish individual. On the other hand, I'm still a teen and feel like i should live in the moment and have fun with my life. I feel like I have forever to live my life, and at the same time I feel as if time is running out. We're constantly pressured to do something great with our lives, to be more than we can be, and to be well rounded individuals by the time we reach our mid-20s; and I ask, HOW THE HELL AM I TO DO THAT?! I'm forced to remember an email I received this long summer, it was titled "How we treat people". It was about helping those in need, remembering those who have helped you, taking action and giving. Now, it's a good email and all, but it got me thinking...in a world that we live in today, how am I to be happy and giving 24/7?
I was on the bus the other day, and a women came and sat down next to me. She was a bigger gal and apparently had bad hygiene, not that either of them are related in anyway, but after sometime I started to get annoyed. I thought, "it's bad enough that she's taking up all the space but now I can't even breathe because she smells." About a second later I thought, "oh, well that was a mean thing to think. I shouldn't think that. It's not her fault she's big or that she has a bit of a musk to her." But honestly, isn't there something we can do to keep ourselves in somewhat of a fit shape and put on perfume or deodorant to help the smell?
Sure, it's not nice to be angry and anal all the time, but we're human, we all can't be mother Teressa. If we all were, we wouldn't have people like Bush in the world. *stupid bastard* War wouldn't exist and world hungry would not be an issue. This being said, I conclude what I started out to say. Whatever we do with our time, do it so that it makes you happy. If you want to be an accomplished person by the time you're 20 then so be it, or if you just want to have fun then that's fine too. Be proud of what you've done and life will be joyable. I didn't work much this summer, but I spent time with my family and friends and had a fun time. Besides, there's always next year to do something productive with my summer academically and economically.
Cheers! |
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| Visitation |
[Jul. 5th, 2004|11:38 am] |
When we're away from our usual lives at home we live another life not our own. Sometimes it's a frustrating experience, and other times it's a feeling of freedom. You get to live a life that isn't part of your regular life, and sometimes you free like this alternative life is what's better suited for you. But how do we know that this feeling of temporary freedom isn't just an adrenaline of excitement? We always have our ups and downs, times of questioning if this is where we're suppose to be and whether if this is what we're suppose to be doing. 19 and still, I have no idea what I am suppose to be doing with my life or where I'm headed. My near future is still all a blur compared to alot of my friends'.
There will always be people above you and others below you. But no matter how far up we are, we always want more. When are we satisfied? Should women who want just a family be more like the ambitious working woman? Have we stopped the female movement with these recurring traditional female values? Or should the working woman stop trying to be work crazed individuals and worry about caring for a family? Having both is possible, but almost impossible to be completely fulfilled in both in such case. You can't fully concentrate on either. Right now I'm stuck trying to choose between a hard driven career or taking a risk for something I've dreamt of doing but with uncertainty. My mind has gone into total over-drive. I'm just going to have to take it one at a time right now and see where my feet take me. I'm out. |
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| Flashback...in my room again |
[Apr. 30th, 2004|06:53 pm] |
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Now that I'm home and settled in, I find it bittersweet. I'm delighted to be back in the city that I live and yet I dispise being back in this hell hole. Tasting freedom for 8 sweet months have given me a thirst for more. I miss going out without questions about where I'm going, who I'm seeing, or when I'll be back. I think that many students moving back after going away for first year are all having the same problems as I am having, and I feel your pain. Why can't parents understand that we need our freedom and independence, we're not little kids anymore! My only hope is that I'll keep myself so busy that I won't have to see any of them much at all during the summer...sadm yes I know. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother and all but that woman drives me nuts. That's about all I have to lament right now. Though, I never go on this thing so I don't have anyone really reading this. :oP |
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| Overwhelming blunder of memories |
[Apr. 11th, 2004|04:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  melancholy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Lifehouse - Everything | ] |
Eight months have passed, and what have I learned? I’ve learned to love, mourn; laugh, cry and most of all, cherish life. Eight months ago I said goodbye to my home, to the city that I love, and to the people who give me a purpose in life. I was an adult; a scary thought when you think about it. On my own without someone to hold my hand, I grew my own set of wings. I think for most, the first week – frosh week - wasn’t all about crazy adventures, meeting your best friend, getting drunk, and having a blast. For myself, I met new students, shed my inhibitions during frosh week and cried under the pressure of having to meet new people. You’re taught that first year of university is about “living it large” and “going wild” all the while, somehow, finding these amazing people who are suppose to be your group of friends for life. However, I personally didn’t find it quite like that. My first few weeks were tough, I clung onto the only things that were familiar to me; my friends from high school. Sure, there are those who do have a blast, drink until they throw up in some stranger’s bedroom, and doing God knows what else with whatever or whomever; but that just wasn’t me. For sometime all I could do was go to my room and wish for the eight months to be over. I thought I’d lose contact with all my great friends from home, though I can say now that it only strengthened our friendship.
Time passed and that feeling of anxiety, anticipation and fear slowly faded until there was only a small grey blotch left in my mind. I embraced the university, the students and its programs; I introduced myself to others beside me in class. By the end of my first semester, I had made a group of friends. It’s a great feeling to know what their faces will be there to greet you when you’re looking for a seat in class and that you have a study group to go to, even though you know studying in a group doesn’t get anything accomplished.
Eight months have passed and a lot has and hasn’t happened. All those times when I thought I’d never find the light at the end of my deep dark tunnel, has disappeared; and now that I’ve gotten used to my daily routines the year has come to it’s end. Eight months later, I am now saying goodbye to my new friends who I have made at the University of Guelph. Though my heart is still with my best friends and family, who are not here, and I am delighted to be going back to breathe in the smog infested Toronto air, I will miss this place. I have come to being accustomed to calling it my home. But as with every beginning, there is an end and with that I bid farewell to you all. What lies ahead in the following year, is still a loud blur that I cannot make sense of.
- Cam |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 10th, 2004|12:51 am] |
Well...this is the first entry and ironically enough, its not even done by the owner of said journal.
I, ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) dothewu, was the one who got Camli her journal and yea....she's done jack all with it thus far.
Damn punks.
anyways, Cam is cleaning her room ...possibly packing up for tomorrow...who knows?
I'm out.
~not camli |
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